I went through phases of understanding when it came to birth stories…first, being the pretty private person that I am, I thought it was all pretty personal stuff to share on the internet. Then, when I became pregnant, I became much more interested in them, and found myself reading them anytime I stumbled across a new mom with a blog. Now, I am dying to get this out onto paper (figuratively) so that I don't forget a second of it. A day, an experience, that special is once in a lifetime. So, I have moved from a skeptic to a supporter when it comes to birth stories.
Today is your due date, but we have had you in our arms now for three weeks. You are the greatest gift, and I can't begin to try and describe how much you are loved. For the longest time, this date, September 22, was when I thought I would meet you. Even though due dates are only approximate, when you anticipate something for 9 months, you become fixated on that one very specific day. So now, as I sit at home with you trying to write this when all I want to do is hold you, all the emotions from the past nine months come rushing back. And I want to document them…for me, so I don't ever forget the magic of that time; and for you, so you will someday come to understand what a life-changing, crazy kind of love was born when you arrived.
First though, I want to start with the pregnancy. Your dad and I had prayed for you for a long time, but when I found out I was actually pregnant, I was terrified. I truly began to feel God work in me though, lessening my anxiety month by month. I had a wonderful doctor, who listened to all my concerns, and reassured me. I had an incredibly encouraging and positive husband. I had tons of love and support from family. And you and I, we had a very smooth nine months together. As I look back, I think how silly my complaints were…a couple months of nausea, a sore back, lack of sleep, etc. Now though, I know that I would do it again in an instant for you. I am incredibly grateful for a complication-free pregnancy, and I wish I would have had a better attitude throughout. I have so many regrets…I wish I would have prayed for you more; I wish I would have talked to you more; I wish I would have enjoyed more what my body was capable of doing. Because YOU were the end result, and you are so worth it. But, all I can do is try and give you as much love as I possibly can now…I promise now to pray for you more; to hold you as often as I can, to read to you, and to tell you every day and every hour how special you are.
A few random memories from our time together these last nine months:
- I cried several times in the doctor's office waiting room. Apparantly I'm not the only one who was incredibly happy with our doctor…she is very well liked, and a few times the waits reflected that. I became so anxious a few times that I just broke down.
- I also cried in Target once, towards the end of my pregnancy, when they kept closing lanes on us, so there's probably not much credence to my tears sometime.
- I was very modest at first…I didn't want any photographs of me pregnant. I don't know why, I just didn't. Then about halfway through, I began to take pictures and upload them to an app on my phone. Then, when the app updated at some point, it deleted all the pictures, and I had no idea how upset I would be. I really, really wish I had those photos back, only because it is part of our story…it was you before you were actually here. (The pictures I have included here are some of the only ones I have of me when I was pregnant with you)
- We moved when I was six months pregnant with you. We moved into my little two bedroom house that I lived in before your dad and I got married, and we searched for a home. We are still here, waiting now for our house to be built. We didn't anticipate being here this long, but it has been a huge blessing. We were close to the doctor, the hospital, your Uncle Jacob, and TCU.
- Your dad and your brother and I took a lot of walks when I was pregnant with you. We were blocks away from the campus walking trails, and I really think it helped keep me and you healthy throughout the pregnancy. I can't wait to start taking you on walks now that you are outside of my tummy.
- I craved watermelon like crazy, and couldn't stomach the thought of smoothies.
- Your dad is an amazing husband. He spoiled me rotten while pregnant with you. From arranging my 12 pillows on the bed every night, to picking up everything I dropped when I no longer could bend over…he was, and is, incredibly selfless.
- You would never show your face when we went in for sonograms. We tried to get pictures of you many times, and you were always hiding.
- You were SO active. Especially around 11pm or later. Even when you kept me up, I loved watching you move.
I actually miss being pregnant. I will miss the monthly and weekly visits to the doctor, where your dad and I excitedly looked forward to learning more and more about you. I will miss the feeling of your kicks. I will actually miss that belly, because it held you. Again, I wish I would have realized earlier what a gift it was to carry you. That was a special time for us. Despite my worries, or my anxieties, or my sore back, you were always so important to me. I'm just simply amazed that God used me to help you grow.
I've loved you for nine months already, and will love you for a million more. Tomorrow, I'll share with you about your birth day!